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5 Knock-Out Excuses for Being Late

Am I running late? Have you seen the time?

JUMPING JELLYBEANS! That can’t be right?! How did the clock jump forward so quickly?!? But I don’t even have any good excuses for being late (well, unless you carry on reading).

Don’t panic. Breathe. Here are five solid gold comebacks for when you hear the words “why are you late?”

#1. Ten Minute Silence

toast-death

Breakfast death is no laughing matter. Anyone who has dropped a piece of toast on the floor or knocked a bowl of cereal off the table will feel a pang of grief reading this.

If someone close to you passes away (God forbid!) then you are given compassionate leave from work/school for 1-4 weeks. So why shouldn’t you be allowed 10 minutes compassionate leave for your jam on toast?

#2. Beauty Sleep

beauty-sleep

We all need to sleep. The bare minimum needed is 7.5 hours (preferably before midnight). A man called Randy Gardner holds the record for the longest amount of time without sleep. He stayed awake for 264 hours, that’s 11 days!

The scientists conducting the experiment could barely look at the sleep deprived man, let alone study pictures of him. Serves him right. That’s what happens when you go without sleep – you go ugly!

Don’t let it happen to you.

#3. Late Day

late-day

There’s a day for everything these days. Here’s some of the best:

  • Bubble Bath Day
  • Kiss a Ginger Day
  • Dress Up Your Pets Day
  • Rubber Duckie Day
  • Earmuff Day
  • Forgive Mum & Dad Day
  • No Selfie Day

(And if you’re wondering – Be Late for Something Day is on 5th September).

#4. Lost My Glasses

wrong-glasses

If you’ve ever left the house without your glasses/contact lenses then you’ll understand. If not, imagine walking through a thick fog in socks made of vaseline and you’ll start to understand.

Of course, this excuse will only work if you actually have poor sight. However, if you’re willing to put the leg work in start wearing glasses so that 6 months down the line you’ll have the perfect excuse for being late.

#5. Little Miss Late

little-miss-late

There are endless variations of this excuse to experiment with.

  • Mr. Tickle – “I was tickling my sister at the local fair and got my arms stuck in a Farris Wheel.”
  • Mr. Muddle – “Which school do I go to again?”
  • Little Miss Sunshine – “Brighten up. At least I’m early for lunchtime.”
  • Mr. Bump – “The wait time at A&E is getting worse every time I go”.
  • Little Miss Tiny – “It took me ages to cross the road this morning. Have you seen how tiny my legs are?”

49-lateThanks for reading . . . but wait.

You can find 44 more excuses in my cartoon eBook – 49 Excuses for Being Really Late.

Disclaimer: reading this eBook will probably make you giggle, but won’t help you get away with lateness.

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Hungry? Here’s 5 Ways to Get a Cookie

Cookies are the answer to everlasting happiness.

Think about it . . . have you ever seen someone crying and eating a cookie at the same time? No, of course you haven’t. That’s because it’s impossible to be unhappy with a cookie in your hand.

Unfortunately adults imprison the answer to everlasting happiness in a jar and put it out of reach. So here are five ways to set the heavenly snack free.

#1 – Buy a Trampoline

Trampalining Cartoon

The guy who invented the trampoline did so in his garage (but I’m fairly confident he did not test it in his garage unless he also invented the helmet). They were originally used to train astronauts and are now used for a variety of reasons including to change lightbulbs in sports halls, decorate really big christmas trees and help short people see over crowds.

Olympians can bounce over 9 metres high, so you should start practicing in case your parents decide to hide the cookie jar on the roof.

#2 – Become a Cookie Official

Cookie Offical Cartoon

Did you know during World War 2 biscuits were rationed in the UK. That meant the government controlled how many biscuits you were allowed to eat.

I know, it must have been terrible!

#3 – Doctors Call

Doctors Call Cartoon

Back in the 19th century if you were having problems with digestion and complaining of bad gas then you would have been given a digestive biscuit. Yes, you heard me, doctors used to prescribe cookies!

Personally I’d like to go back to this marvelous brand of medicine – and add some of my own too:

  • Spaghetti for a migraine
  • Coca Cola for dehydration
  • Marshmallows for clinical depression
  • Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich for amnesia
  • McDonald’s Big Mac for obesity

#4 – Home-Made Security Vault

Security Vault Cartoon

Every household should have a cookie jar, just like every shady government should have their own security vault buried 100 feet below ground.

So, what makes a good cookie jar? The muscles in your jaw are the strongest in your body, your stomach acid will burn intruders alive and your tongue is the best security guard a cookie could hope for . . . need I say more?

#5 – Magic Trick

Cup Trick Cartoon

Street performers showcase this trick all over the world. They do it con tourists, so why not use it to con your parents! (And if you want to impress your friends and bet them the contents of their cookie jar, then learn the classic cup and balls trick.)

Thanks for reading . . . but wait.

cropped-49-Cookie-Jar3.jpgYou can find 44 more in my FREE cartoon eBook – 49 Ways to Steal the Cookie Jar. Simply click on the button below to grab your free copy and sign up to my mailing list.

Free Book Button

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5 Tactics for Staying Up Past Your Bedtime

Bedtime is fast approaching (go on, check your clock).

Yes, sleep is important, but so is discovering what is on TV after dark, or reading another chapter of your book, or spying on your older sister . . . because we all have strong suspicions that our older sisters are actually aliens sent to make our lives miserable.

Here’s where this article becomes super useful. If you want to stay up past your bedtime then read on!

#1. Practicing Excuse

Multitasking Cartoon

Your parents have got high hopes for you. They want you to achieve your dreams and become successful, taxpaying citizens – doctors, teachers, musicians, architects, sporting heroes and famous writers.

Well, all of those professions require you to do one thing over and over and over again – PRACTICE!

Starting practicing tonight. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as you see a glint in your parents eye that means ‘my son/daughter is going to become rich and famous one day’.

#2. Temperature Excuse

Hot Cold Cartoon

Joking aside, temperature is very important for healthy sleep (that’s why penguins always have black eyes and crocodiles are very snappy – they never get enough sleep in below freezing temperatures and scorching heat).

When you were a baby your parents would make sure your bedroom was between 65 – 70 °F (18 – 21°C) so that you didn’t keep them up all night crying. So now that you can talk you can let them when you’re shivering like an Eskimo and when you’re sweating like a pig.

They might not be as interested anymore, but it’ll certainly buy you some extra minutes on the Xbox.

#3. Storytime Excuse

Bedtime Story

You might be a little old for storytime, but stick with me on this one – we’re going to do some maths.

If you add all 7 Harry Potter books together there are 199 chapters. That’s a grand total of 3,407 pages. The average adults takes 2 minutes to read one page aloud, which means it would take around 4.7 days for your parents to read you the Harry Potter Series back to back!

I hope you all agree, that would be 4.7 days well spent. And even if you don’t make it to the end, every page read to you is another 2 minutes past your bedtime.

#4. Noise Excuse

Noise Cartoon

There are plenty of noises to fake hear outside. Here are a few suggestions:

  • The ice cream van
  • An escaped convict from a maximum security prison
  • The Tax Man (your parents worst nightmare)
  • The cat who keeps on digging up your parents flowers
  • The lottery representative knocking on the door with an oversized cheque and a bottle of champagne

#5. Counting Sheep Excuse

Sheep Costume Cartoon

This is probably the most famous method to fall asleep.

As you can see it also has bags of potential for some hilarious bedtime theatre. If you’re family make a convincing flock of sheep you may even be able to take the show on tour entertaining child across the country (or you could just record it and post it on YouTube).

49 BedimeThanks for reading . . . but wait.

You can find 44 more excuses in my cartoon eBook – 49 Excuses for Staying Up Past Your Bedtime.

Disclaimer: reading this eBook will probably make you giggle, but won’t help you stay up past your bedtime.

5 Dynamite Excuses to Get Out of Cleaning Your Bedroom

‘Cleaning’ is a dirty word, wouldn’t you agree?

We all dread those five parental words – “time to tidy your bedroom.” (I can tell reading that gave you the chills.)

But don’t despair, you’ve found help. It is my strong belief that you should have some ready-made excuses tucked away in your pocket at all times. So here you go, here are five golden nuggets taken from my FREE eBook – 49 Excuses to Not Tidying Your Bedroom.

Memorize them. Practise them on your goldfish. Try them the next time your parents say the dirty word.

Excuses #1. The Modern Artist Excuse

Excuses for Not Tidying Your Bedroom - The Modern Artist

A modern artist called Tracey Emin did this.

In 1998 she rolled out of bed, stepped back and thought to herself ‘that looks pretty good’. A millionaire collector bought her messy bedroom she called ‘My Bed’ for £150,000 in 2000. Then 14 years later her bedroom was auctioned and sold for £2.2 million!

Imagine the bedroom you could buy with £2.2 million. Mine would include a monkey butler, a Ferrari remolded into a giant bed, and one of those hand-print scanners to stop unwanted adults entering.

Excuses #2. The Ultimate Question Excuse

Excuses for Not Tidying Your Bedoom - The Meaning of Life Cartoon

Many have pondered the meaning of life, few have reached enlightenment.

According to ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ it took an enormous supercomputer named Deep Thought 7.5 million years. If you are wondering what it’s answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything . . . it was the number 42.

(Feel free to copy Deep Thought’s answer, most parents will find this highly amusing).

Excuses #3. The Delegation Excuse

Escuses for Note Tidying Your Bedroom - Delegation Caroon

The art of delegation is the bedrock of the workplace.

The boss decides what the company should be doing, who then tells the senior management team to get on with it. Then the senior management team make a master plan, who then tells the middle management team to get on with it. The middle management team scratch their heads, who mumble something to their team, then tells the kettle to get on with it. The office workers shrug their shoulders, nibble on a biscuit and the get to work (and in may case then goes home and write books.)

Master the art of delegation early in life and you’ll rise up the ladder in no time. I would suggest practising on your younger brother/sister first before moving on to an adult.

Excuse #4. The Infectious Excuse

Escuses for Note Tidying Your Bedroom - Multi Coloured Chicken Pox Cartoon

Who here has ever had Chicken Pox?

And when you had those scratchy little spots did your parents ask you to tidy your bedroom? Or send you off to school? Or make you peel the carrots?

Exactly!

Excuse #5. The Military Coo Excuse

Escuses for Note Tidying Your Bedroom - Bathroom Army Cartoon

Okay, so this excuse is a little silly.

Come to think of it, this one isn’t even an excuse. Oh well. It’s too late now. At least if you try this one, especially if you give the toilet brush a good wave, your parents might ask you to clean the bathroom instead.

49 Excuses for Not Tidying Your BedroomThanks for reading . . . but wait.

You can find 44 more excuses in my FREE cartoon eBook – 49 Excuses for Not Tidying Your Bedroom.

Disclaimer: reading this eBook will probably make you giggle, but won’t help you get away with having a messy bedroom.

Bunny Terror Drawings

Okay, so I’ve been working hard to illustrate my next childrens book Bunny Terror. Most weekends have begun with picking up a pencil and finished with brushing off the rubber dust. Even managed to finish a sketch pad.

Anyway thought I’d share some of them.

 

WP_20151206_001

I’m around halfway through editing and ilustrating the book so far. Plus I’m working on a bundle pack of the 49… Books so keep a look out for both.

And if you want to start reading Bunny Terror you can find it here on Wattpad.

Straight from the Sketchpad… Drawings for my Next eBook

drawings

This is what half my next book currently looks like.

24 cartoons down, 25 to go… (also realised there are only 8 pages left in my sketchpad so I better get myself new on pronto).

I’ve been working hard to get the next eBook in the ’49… Series’ complete and ready for release in October. It will either be call ’49 Excuses for Getting Out of Gym Class’ or ’49 Excuses for Sitting Out of P.E.’ so it all depends how American I feel at the time of release.

Let me know which one you prefer!

Press Release: 49 Excuses for Not Doing Your Homework

New eBookRelease Date: 30/10/2014

ISBN: 9781310954818

Available from the following stores: Amazon, Kobo, B&N, iTunes, Smashwords, and Scribd.

Today I am one proud little author (see drawing above).

My latest eBook in the 49… Series has gone on sale today. Here’s just a hand full of reasons why I think you’ll enjoy reading it:

  • It’s full of cartoons (49 to be precise)
  • It pokes fun at homework (but includes a tasty little moral at the end)
  • It’s a fast-paced read (around 30 minutes if you read like me)
  • It’s a bargain! £1.49 (less than a coffee or 150 penny sweets)
  • It’s definitely the best one yet.

If you’ve read the previous two books in the 49… Series then I hope you’ll agree. If not, please download the first in the series for FREE and decide for yourself.

You can also download samples from all the websites listed above. If you do buy my latest eBook please consider leaving a review on the website you purchased it from as this is by far the best way you can support me! For those Good Reads folk, you are most welcome to review the eBook here.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy  the eBook.