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Take a Look Inside My New Book

Here it is . . . sample chapters (the first and second) from my new book – The Boy Who Stole One Million Socks.

Release date: 05/07/2017

Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Smashwords

CHAPTER ONE: AN UNEXPECTED OBJECT

There was a boy called Seaweed. He had a serious problem.

It was not the kind of problem boys normally face. He did not have a spotty forehead or a squeaky voice. He did not forget his lunch money or accidentally walk into the girls bathroom. He was not allergic to peanut butter sandwiches, nor was he  the greatest sock thief the world has ever known (well, not quite yet, but we will get to that later).

His problem was much more . . . explosive.

He was holding a BOMB.

Top government scientists have a theory. They believe that holding a bomb that is seconds away from exploding is the most terrifying thing for a human to experience. Unfortunately, their theory remains unproven as none of the test subjects have been able to fill in the questionnaire afterwards.

Seaweed looked around. The annual Picklington Parade was in full swing. It was the one event of the year that everyone attended, even the local pigeons. The townsfolk had gathered together to celebrate the greatest invention of modern civilization – electricity. There were hundreds of fabulous floats sparking with limitless voltage parading through the high street. A thunderstorm of electrical brilliance rained down over the people. The crowd was mesmerised.

Nobody had noticed the boy holding a bomb. Nobody ever noticed him, and not through lack of trying. Seaweed was the only citizen of Picklington who thought that things could be different. He believed in global warming and carbon footprints and renewable energies. He believed we should look after our planet. He wanted to show his town how to use less energy, and perhaps then the Mayor would not need to build the new Nuclear Power Station.

So there he was, walking through the parade with a shoulder bag full of leaflets entitled ‘Ten Easy Ways to Lower Your Carbon Footprint’ folded into paper aeroplanes. That was how he came to hold the unexpected object. He had reached into his bag for a harmless piece of folded-up paper and pulled out an explosive.

Deciding they would prefer not to be a part of any hair-singeing experiment, Seaweed’s forearm hairs uprooted and stampeded to safety under his armpit. Thankfully, his instincts kicked in. He bowled the bomb backwards, wore his shoulder bag as a helmet and did his very best impression of a shy hedgehog.

Everyone in the crowd was too distracted to notice. They were smiling and clapping and cheering and completely unaware of the rolling bomb. Seaweed clasped his bent legs and stapled his eyelids shut whilst his forearm hairs huddled together and said their goodbyes.

Then the bomb exploded.

 

CHAPTER TWO: THE PICKLINGTON PARADE

The Mayor of Picklington watched the parade from the safety of his office.

He suffered from an illness called Absolute Power – a condition where the afflicted becomes addicted to the authority they wield over others (usually contracted by corrupt dictators of oil-rich countries and the occasional maths teacher). He oozed the many symptoms like a snotty tissue.

Having governed the town for thirty years, his condition was now terminal. That was the problem; once you have been sitting on the throne of power for as long as he had, your bottom falls asleep, and your legs go stiff, and your fingernails get lodged into the armrests. In fact, it had reached the point in his condition where the Mayor believed he had become the throne, which in turn meant he could treat everyone else as his footstool.

His advisors sat respectfully around the boardroom table. The Mayor strode into the room, ignored his advisors’ mumbled greetings and continued to once again stare down at the parade.

“I see you have done a fine job on security this year, Mrs. Jones,” he commented. “Double the manpower, dog patrols, security cameras, very impressive work indeed.”

Mrs. Jones straightened her back, but only slightly. Praise was always followed by praise-eating piranhas.

“But, as we all know, the star prize goes to whoever captures me a Carrot Bandit.”

Everyone in the room flinched. Those two scary little words crawled under the advisors’ skin and wriggled about until all their insides were thoroughly jumbled up. The Mayor, on the other hand, was completely unflustered. It took more than two little words to jumble his insides, mainly because he had a large amount of insides in the first place.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the Mayor’s Advisory Panel,” said the Mayor to his advisors. “Today is going to be a good day. Today I will strike back. Today I will show this bunch of amateurs that no one terrorises my town. Nobody can stop me from switching on my Nuclear Power Station in one month’s time.”

Since the Mayor had announced his controversial plans, a meddlesome group of activists had been causing trouble. It was controversial because he announced the major one-year project to build a Nuclear Power Station one month ago. He thought it was a good idea because he was using the promise of unlimited energy to become re-elected, and it was working. Picklington Lake, which had been bubbling away with a toxic green vapour hovering over the surface due to a disastrous radiation leak, strongly disagreed.

They called themselves the Carrot Bandits. They were a sneaky bunch, always managing to ruin the Mayor’s plans without being caught. However, he was a man well accustomed to vengeance. Evil anticipation flowed through his veins.

“But, sir, don’t you think,” muttered a wobbly voice behind him, “and I mean this with the deepest respect, that ignoring the Carrot Bandits’ threats to sabotage the parade and endangering the public by not cancelling seems a bit, well . . . immoral.”

The Mayor sighed. “Thank you, Mr. Dean. That’ll be all.”

The entire boardroom slouched a few inches. To the untrained ear, that sentence could be mistaken to mean the Mayor valued Mr. Dean’s opinion or even appreciated it. However, may I point out that all the other advisors turned their heads towards the victim and mouthed ‘it was nice working with you’. Mr. Dean sheepishly stood up, collected his things and reached for the door knob.

“Before you go, I could do with an extra pair of eyes on the ground. I can see the perfect spot right at the front that will do nicely. Now run along.”

Everyone in the room gulped. The furniture creaked. The plant in the corner withered slightly. The condemned advisor scuttled off. The pigeons perching on the ledge outside courteously cooed to fill the silence. The Mayor congratulated himself with a satisfied smirk.

Suddenly, a paper aeroplane whizzed past the window. The Mayor traced it back to the source and found himself staring at a scrawny boy. Never before had the word scrawny been a more fitting description. The boy was the only person partaking in the parade on foot. Everyone else was using fossil fuels and the electricity provided, like good citizens.

He cast the insignificant boy aside and checked on his main attraction. At the centre of the parade stood an eighty-foot-high Plasma TV pyramid advertising his Nuclear Power Station’s Grand Opening Ceremony one month from now. It was the light fantastic. The people of Picklington were absolutely awestruck.

The wonderful thing about propaganda was its overall ease and effectiveness. Simply advertise all the good stuff, neglect to tell anyone about the bad stuff, throw in some juicy lies and project it all on huge TV screens. The people of Picklington always believed every pixel, without fail. Nobody needed to know that the Nuclear Power Station had a list of safety problems roughly the size of his enormous belt. He also found that a catchy theme tune helped.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something rolling away from the boy. Then there was a loud BANG . . .

. . . followed by another BANG . . . and another . . . and another.

A chain reaction of explosions spread across the panicked crowd.

“Release the armed  security team,” growled the smiling architect of chaos, “and make sure they capture the boy alive.”

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New Book – The Boy Who Stole One Million Socks

ISBN: 978-1-5213-8224-0
Published: 6th July 2017
Ebook: £2.99 / $3.99
Paperback: £7.99 / $9.95

Mark your calendars! My next book – The Boy Who Stole One Million Socks – is on sale and available to pre-order now.

So, what can I tell you:

  • The boy (who stole all the socks) is called Seaweed
  • Front cover is blue, dark blue
  • It’s a story about good intentions and bad choices: sometimes doing the right thing can lead you down the wrong path, but no matter how far down the path you walk you can always turn around and walk back.
  • It’s also really funny!
  • Inside you’ll find 40 illustrations, including a wrecking ball, paper aeroplanes, and lots and lots of socks!
  • Word Count: 33,399 (and yes, I did try to hit 33,333)
  • For those of you who read it you’ll also find bunny rabbits, stale biscuits, pigeons, wheelbarrows, smoke bombs, a bad guy, advanced mathematics, paper aeroplanes, tasers, carrots, thugs, tea bags, mild risk of death by nuclear explosion and a few juicy sneezes

And, for the first time, the book is available as a Paperback as well as in the usual Ebook format. It took a lot of extra work but it was certainly worth it. You can see some of the illustrations from the book here.

You can get your copy now from Amazon, iBooks, Nook, Kobo and Smashwords.

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The New Arrival . . . 49 Excuses for Not Eating Your Vegetables

I’m pleased to announce another book in the 49… Series is now out and available to buy. Here’s some facts about the book:

  • It’s green.
  • It contains a piece of broccoli wearing earphones, a snail police chase, and a frog with a silly hair-do.
  • It’s the 8th book in the series.
  • At the back of the book is a sample for my next children’s fiction book (two whole chapters, with illustrations).
  • It’s probably the best thing to ever happen since the invention of the heated toilet seat.

You can get your copy now from Amazon, iBooks, Nook, Kobo and Smashwords.

I’m now making the final adjustments to my next children’s fiction book, which will probably be called Seaweed and the Carrot Bandits (although I’m very tempted to call it Help! My Pet Bunny Rabbit is a Criminal Genius). It’s already been through the editing process and needs a little polishing before release . . . but it won’t be long before you get to see it, I promise.

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‘Bunny Terror’ Now on Wattpad: New Chapter Every Saturday

Wattpad Blog Header

My next humourous fiction book – ‘Bunny Terror’ – is now available to read on Wattpad… just follow this link and start reading now!

If you’ve never heard of Wattpad, you’re missing out. Its a place where readers can discover new books for free. Authors post their work chapter by chapter and you get notifications for when a new chapter is available. There are currently over 40 million readers and 100 millions books published on Wattpad so its an incrediale to place to read and share your stories.

Wattpad is the perfect place to get beta readers for my new book before I release the finished product. So I am hoping to get some priceless feedback from readers and polish my writing to the max.

I will be uploading a new chapter every Saturday so go ahead, read the first chapter and let me know what you think:)

Introducing Book Four in the 49… Series

Blog Four BooksAnother book has appeared… and this one is purple.

’49 Questions to Annoy Your Parents’ has finally arrived and is available for pre-order today now from Amazon & Kobo (so far, iTunes, Smashwords and Nook to follow).

By now most people probably know the deal with these little cartoon books I’ve been writing and drawing for the past two years, but for the sake of being thorough here’s what you will find inside:

  • 49 annoying questions
  • 49 silly cartoons
  • All linked together by more silliness
  • Plus somewhere inside you’ll find a killer onion, a butterfly reading a book and the letter ‘k’ with a goofy grin

Needless to say book 4 in the 49… Series was extremely fun to make (he typed with an even goofier grin on his face). Much like the last release I’ll upload some snippits and sneak-peaks so be on the look out!

Progress Report Cont.

Writing Progress 2

It may seem like progress has been slow over the winter period, and I am willing to accept this statement (with a clenched jaw and a healthy collection of excuses). So I am hoping that using the Star Wars font in my graphic will make the progress I have made more note-worthy/dramatic/exciting-enough-to-keep-your-interest.

My biggest achievement would be finishing the first draft of my next children’s fiction book – Seaweed and the Carrot Bandits. A huge milestone but also a sobering one. You see, now that the first draft has been completed the next stage is to edit every chapter, paragraph and word so it all makes sense. Here is the breakdown:

  • 27 chapters
  • 87 pages (in 11pt font)
  • 40,805 words

While editing I will also start drawing the next instalment in the 49… Series – 49 Annoying Question to Ask Your Parents. So when I start pulling my hair out over sentence structure and plot continuity I can escape the editing nightmare by picking up a pencil and drawing silly pictures. . .  drawings like this. . .

Hand and Brain Desease Security Vault

So over the next few months I will be editing, then drawing, then editing, then banging my head against the desk, then drawing, and so on. Hopefully, if I have enough brain cells left, both books will be published by the end of the summer (I predict 49 Annoying Questions to Ask Your Parents will be first). I will let you know once they are coming out, of course.

Thanks for keeping an interest.

Press Release: 49 Excuses for Not Doing Your Homework

New eBookRelease Date: 30/10/2014

ISBN: 9781310954818

Available from the following stores: Amazon, Kobo, B&N, iTunes, Smashwords, and Scribd.

Today I am one proud little author (see drawing above).

My latest eBook in the 49… Series has gone on sale today. Here’s just a hand full of reasons why I think you’ll enjoy reading it:

  • It’s full of cartoons (49 to be precise)
  • It pokes fun at homework (but includes a tasty little moral at the end)
  • It’s a fast-paced read (around 30 minutes if you read like me)
  • It’s a bargain! £1.49 (less than a coffee or 150 penny sweets)
  • It’s definitely the best one yet.

If you’ve read the previous two books in the 49… Series then I hope you’ll agree. If not, please download the first in the series for FREE and decide for yourself.

You can also download samples from all the websites listed above. If you do buy my latest eBook please consider leaving a review on the website you purchased it from as this is by far the best way you can support me! For those Good Reads folk, you are most welcome to review the eBook here.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy  the eBook.

The Latest Addition to the 49… Series

Other Books by JW

I’d like to introduce you to the newest, shiniest member of the 49… Series – ’49 Excuses for Not Doing Your Homework’ – available for pre-order now from Amazon, Kobo and Smashwords (and also B&N and iBooks soon).

Inside you’ll find 49 drawings and 49 excuses (as per usual). I think I’ve really kick it up a notch this time; everything just feels better:

  • the illustrations are more daring than ever before
  • the ideas hit a new level of silliness/cheekiness
  • even the eBook production is more professional

There’s no point in pretending that the inspiration for this one was a strenuous process. All the ideas for these excuses came naturally thanks to 12 years of the British Educational System and the inability to remember my homework. I was a willing student. I did my homework (most of the time). Sometimes I even enjoyed it. The problem was my wonderfully written homework would sit on the desk in my bedroom because I had forgotten to put in my school bag.

So I hope that the end result (this collection of humourous excuses for forgetful kids like me) shows the added effort that went into this addition for my little cartoon eBook series. Most of all I hope everyone who opens it will enjoy it!

~~~Review Copies Available~~~

For the first time ever I’d like to give away some eBooks for honest reviews. It’s simple really… you let me know you’re interested… I’ll send you the eBook in the format of your choice for free… you read it… then review it online wherever you like!

If you’re interested please drop me an email – cjwarwood-at-hotmail-dot-com.

Going on a Writing Break

Writing Break

Small announcement everyone… I’m going on a writing break.

It’s been a while since I’ve got some serious writing done, so I’ve set myself the ambitious task of taking on 3 writing projects. Here’s a closer look at each of them:

Seaweed and the Carrot Bandits:

Following on from my first children’s fiction book – The Grotty Spoon – will be this little cracker.

The main character (Seaweed) is a little campaigner for Energy Saving in a town where the average household owns 12 TV’s, 156 plug sockets, 3 cars, and one solitary energy saving light bulbs (usually found in the garage). The power hungry Mayor has big plans to build a huge Power Station that will feed the electricity greed of the town. Seaweed is the only one against it. Every campaign to stop the Power Station fails… until he joins a rogue terrorist group called the Carrot Bandits.

I’m really looking forward to sharing it with you all. It’s going to be really fun, extremely silly, and will actually feature a well-thought plot.

49 Excuses & 49 Questions:

These two books will follow on from the surprisingly successful first two in my cartoon series – 49 Excuses for Not Tidying Your Bedroom and 49 Ways to Steal the Cookie Jar.

It’ll be more of the same silliness alongside even sillier drawings. I’m not going to lie to you so I’ll tell you what I feel in my gut… these are going to be tough to finish but they’ll both be worth the effort.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to keep up the momentum of churning out a cartoon every week. I’ll try my best to throw at least one your way every month but I can’t make any solid promises if I want to finish these 3 writing projects. Anyone who has made it this far into this post most certainly deserves a reward. So here’s a tiny snip-it from Seaweed and the Carrot Bandits:

“W-whoever y-you are I have a b-b-baseball b-bat and I’m not afraid t-to use it”, quivered a familiar voice.

Seaweed could smell the fear dripping from his pathetic father’s forehead (the very same man who once locked himself in the downstairs cupboard for several hours because a spider was sighted in the neighbour’s garden). The frightened voice spoke up with the authority and charisma of a door mat.

“I’m t-turning the light on now so you b-better start r-running.”

“I wouldn’t do that yet”.

“Why n-not”, quivered dad.

“You need to scare me some more before you switch the light on.”

“D-d-do I?”

“Well, I know you’re holding a baseball bat but you haven’t told me want you’re going to do with it yet. So come on, make me shake with fear.”

A short pause followed in which the faint sound of a squeaky hamster wheel drifted down the stairs.

“I’m a little out of p-practice at th-threatening b-b-burglars so if you could s-start me off I w-would be very g-g-grateful.”

“You know, ‘I’ll break both your kneecaps you little toerag’ or ‘you’ll never walk again after my baseball bat is through with you’. That kind of thing.”

“Oh r-right.”

He cleared his throat and dropped his vocal chords down a couple of semi-tones.

“Y-young man, you should have b-brought a w-w-wheel chair along for this r-robbery because I used to be in my schools r-rounder’s team and although I always m-missed the b-ball I had lots of p-practice at accidently w-whacking my sh-shins, and I can tell you they r-r-really h-hurt and would occasionally leave some very n-nasty bruises.”

If it wasn’t so dark in that hallway you would’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Tumbleweed and their seven children rolling between Seaweed and his dad on their way to the annual awards ceremony for the best family tumbleweed act.

“You’re not very good at this are you?”

“It’s the n-nerves talking, give m-me another g-go.”

“I think you’ve just missed your chance.”

“Please s-sir. I know I c-can do b-better. You’ll be s-shaking in your b-b-boot this time.”

Seaweed could never miss an opportunity for a good chuckle, which with a father as feeble as his was an hourly occasion.

“Ok bozo, but let me give you a few tips first.”

“Th-th-thank you s-sir.”

“Never, ever thank a burglar! Slap yourself hard in the face.”

SLAP. “I feel b-better already, a-anything else.”

“Keep your threats short and snappy, don’t babble on and on like a Geography Teacher. In fact I have a better idea, a man of your appearance should play to his strengths so forget talking altogether and act like an angry Orangutan.”

“Right, I m-mean… Ook.”